Because of my work with couples and relationships both as a researcher and an on-air relationship expert, I have observed many intimate conversations ranging from sweet and loving to harsh, nasty, and even vindictive. I have noticed when the best course would be just to listen, and when it’s time to respond. I am also honestly shocked at how some people will argue with no holds barred, or just quietly brutalize the other person’s ego. What stuns me is how unaware some people are about the long-term impact of their words. (If you want to hear more about that, read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.)

I’d like to be part of the solution rather than just moan about violations. I would like to mention a few common crimes, and if they resonate with you, to offer some advice on how to avoid common lapses of civility in relationships. I really want to see relationships thrive, and I see so many puncture wounds that leave scars that undermine love and respect.

Here are my five big — and two small — do’s and don’ts of common couples conversation.

1. We need to discuss this right now.

No, we don’t. When you are overheated, shut up. I see very few heated exchanges that avoid being hyperbolic and mean. If you are truly angry, it is very hard to avoid saying mean words that stick in your partner’s memory forever. When people are enraged, they often say things they wish they could take back. They may confess things that actually should never come out (“I always thought you were a complete slob,” for example) and words like that can absolutely sting. What’s worse, when the speaker is really mad, at that moment, they want them to sting, and their target knows it. It’s a mess you might never be able to clean up.

If you angrily corner a mammal (dog, horse, bear, human) you increase the likelihood of getting a violent reaction. Once people start yelling, or throwing out insults, the person who is being confronted is also physiologically aroused. The urge is to strike back with all they’ve got. That’s when those over-the-top, go-for-the-groin statements like “Your mother ruined you” come out. So, this is the moment to say, We need to handle this tomorrow morning,” and resist the other person’s demands or your own) for immediate confrontation. Instead, set a specific time to talk and deal with the issue. This way, you are not avoiding the conversation; you are merely disengaging from a full-throttle argument and delaying it until you both can get a little perspective.

2. You never take me anywhere nice anymore, or you always are late.

People also feel cornered when their partner strikes out at them with an accusation that has the words “always” or “never“ in it. If someone says this kind of damning sentence, it’s worth noting that this is an exaggeration for impact, and you need another way to hear their complaint. This is a time to avoid defensiveness (hard to do, I know) and ask if they want to solve an issue, or just be angry. It is also a time to get specific facts, and, if there is truth to their general accusation (i.e., you haven’t gone out to eat someplace nice for a while, or you actually are late a lot), to say you are willing to work out a plan to change things. Sulking, walking away or clamming up is not going to be a useful response, even though you have been purposively provoked.

After you have worked on some real change in behavior, it’s a good time to talk. Be sure to note that no one knows the future; it is hard to gauge and generally, “never” and “always” are gross exaggerations. If you problem-solve, rather than react defensively, you usually get a lot of points with your partner. And if you are the one who says “always” or “never” to your partner, cut it out. Your partner has probably not read this column, and is going to hurl back angry denials.

Bottom line, remember that you are always supposed to have your partner’s back, and anything that undermines that rule is seriously out of bounds.

3. Let me try and tell you this in a different way.

This is a sentence you can say once, but not more. It’s kind of sad,but true, that if you feel you are not being heard, and you try and sharpen the focus a few times, it won’t take too many attempts at clarifying explanations before you are accused of “mansplaining” or “nagging.” When you want to continue pressing your point because you believe your partner’s negative reaction is simply because they haven’t seen all the nuances of your argument, stop. There is only so much you can say before you will be accused of being boring or aggressive.

Now, I know it is hard to stop, because we all feel that if we add just a few more details or perspectives our partner will see and cede our point. But trust me, if you keep hammering away at an explanation, your partner probably stopped listening long ago. Remember that standing there may be obligatory, but listening is voluntary.

4. Remember the time that you didn’t thaw the turkey in time, and we had to order out?

There is teasing, and then there is humor. Humor is when something is funny — teasing has a bite to it. If you are teasing a partner, it is usually about something embarrassing or something that really did or does bother you. It’s a cowardly tactic.

In general, if you have to tease, don’t do it in public. If you are the target on this one, recognize it in a straightforward way if you want it to stop, or you want to avoid getting angry. This is particularly true if the banter happens in a public situation where it might be awkward to all concerned. For example, if someone is overweight and having a big meal, a partner might say, snidely, “There’s Jerry with his amazing appetite.” That’s not really funny to Jerry. Teasing about weight, hair loss, or anything that could embarrass a partner should be off limits, even if it’s closer to humor than criticism. If you are the target, you don’t want to create an even more embarrassing response by making it clear that “drive by” cut really bothered you. But you can get one sentence in to stop a whole riff on the topic, something like, “Let’s not do this,” with a smile but a serious tone. If you can’t stop it that way, then find a way to leave the situation —bathrooms are always handy excuses — and then address it later when it doesn’t have to become awkward for everyone. Bottom line, remember that you are always supposed to have your partner’s back, and anything that undermines that rule is seriously out of bounds.

5. You stink.

That performance was honestly awful. Brutal honesty is the worst. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen someone dump atomic judgments on their partner because they “want to be honest.” Look, if you said everything you thought out loud — for example, “Why doesn’t she do something about those crooked teeth?” — most people you know would hate you and you’d feel the same way after reading their mind. Restraint is required in life and in intimate relationships. Telling someone, “You are looking old, and you no longer turn me on” may be honest, but it is also a needlessly cruel emotional indulgence. There are times to hold your thoughts tightly to yourself. My favorite brutally honest quote from the reality show I’m on, Married At First Sight, was when Beth and Jamie, a newly married white couple, were asked about how their sex life was going. Beth said: “It’s fine, but it’s just basic Caucasian sex.” Jamie understandably was not happy about the inference that he suffered by comparison.

Now, here are two additional points worth considering.

Don’t make a compliment meaningless.

Learn how to take a compliment. Giving your partner a compliment just because they gave you one takes the oomph out of it. It didn’t come unprompted. A good response is a smile, a hug and a kiss — and then remind yourself the next time your honey does something you like or respect, don’t miss the opportunity to tell them. Then, it can be truly appreciated.

I don’t know, you choose.

Please talk. Give an opinion. Better yet, offer a fully tricked-out suggestion. “What do you feel like eating tonight?” is a simple question that asks for a discriminating response. “I feel like tandoori chicken” is light years better than, “I don’t know. What do you want?” It’s not a criminal lapse, but it does throw the burden of knowing what to do back on the person who asked the initial question. And by the way, “I don’t care” is also a lazy and unhelpful response. Even if you really don’t care, act like a teammate. Don’t run the risk of irritating your partner.

OK, I‘m done for now. But I bet you can add your own “talk and don’t talk” examples to this list. These are mine, and I have made some of these mistakes myself. This will remind me not to do it again, and maybe you can avoid them, too.