I know that there is generally an ironclad sentiment that honesty is always best. But I would like to propose a reexamination of that “always” word. Because I think, no matter how much we all want to know the truth about everything, that the absolute truth is sometimes too brutal, and sometimes too destructive, to use or hear. I realize this is controversial.

But do you really want to hear everything your partner is thinking? Do you want them to tell you passing thoughts, like that you’re wearing something that you love, and they hate? And offend you? And maybe set off a negative retort, or hurt feelings?

I know you can argue that it’s best to know, and, in this case, perhaps help you wear something that your beloved actually likes. But if you didn’t ask for their opinion, do you really need it? And once they have said it, does it help you or make you feel more insecure or defensive?

OK, I admit this is a softball example. Let me go to the hard one. Your spouse went to a college reunion, and at an afterparty, they reignited an old fl ame, and it burned up an otherwise monogamous record. I know you think you’d want to know. But if your partner regretted it, vowed to themselves it would never happen again, felt guilty, and maybe even worked through it with their therapist, would your knowing what happened really be the best thing for your relationship? Or, for that matter, your peace of mind?

I think that for most people, it would cause a rupture that could be fatal or endlessly painful for the relationship. There might be continuing paranoia any time your partner had to go on a trip or worked late. It could put your whole way of life in question. Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Talking to Strangers, explores both sides of the fact that much of social life devolves to trust because it would be impossible to question every act of social interaction.

If every statement was doubted, if every absence was investigated, it would be exhausting, and in most cases, insulting. Our assumption that someone we live or work with is not treacherous can help make us a victim. Think, for instance, about the not-so-rare example of a boss who doesn’t check on the company’s “faithful” bookkeeper of 20 years who has, in fact, been steadily embezzling. Or, staying with the infidelity example, believing that a spouse’s tight relationship with a worker is platonic, when it is not.

Some situations need a bright light of discovery because those lies can undermine happiness and safety. But what of a transgression that does not? What if it is one mistake? Or, what if it is a continuing critical feeling, like wishing that your partner was thinner or more voluptuous, but you keep it to yourself because you know it would upset them and perhaps make them feel inhibited or angry.

My rule is that honesty is the best policy when something is going on that needs to be aired and repaired because otherwise it will damage or destroy the relationship. But if it is a temporary feeling that will go away, or just something that’s disappointing but can’t be changed, or a one-time act of bad faith or weakness, I generally feel it should just be vaporized, not shared.

Focusing specifically on fidelity, if you love your partner and know that they could never get over it if you had sex with someone else, or they would stay and vent their anger and sadness for decades, would honesty have any good outcome except perhaps giving your partner an opportunity for revenge? Or a quid pro quo?

I don’t think this is a good path to travel.

As for almost all “rules,” there are exceptions. If the person who transgressed can’t live with the guilt, and is going to break down anyhow, it’s better to tell the truth sooner rather than later.

Or, if the person who has had the affair knows their partner is likely to fi nd out anyhow, it’s a whole lot better for the truth to come from them and soon because, paradoxically, the lie can be seen as the even bigger betrayal.

I know this puts people in a moral quandary. The simplest approach is never to temporarily fall out of love with your partner, never think they look unattractive, never have salacious thoughts about the next-door neighbor, and never be unfaithful. However, if you do think unflattering thoughts or do transgress your vows, think carefully about whether you want to share the truth.

At the very least, I don’t think honesty is always the best policy.

Q: I have a great job offer in Hong Kong, really an extraordinary opportunity. My boyfriend says he will come with me, but honestly, I do not think he will do well there. He doesn’t speak the language and won’t be able to be a lawyer there. I love him but I am afraid that this move will kill our relationship. If he doesn’t go, it will probably end it. I don’t know what to do.

A: This is not an easy answer to give. Your worries are not unfounded, but on the other hand, if you are going to Hong Kong for an unlimited amount of time, then leaving him in the United States might be an insurmountable commute. I do think there is a middle ground.

You need to give weight to the fact that he wants to go with you to Hong Kong, and it sounds like he is well aware of some of the sacrifices it might entail. You should respect his choice, and also what it says about how he feels about you. But there is another issue embedded in your worry about whether he should come. Are you truly comfortable about him changing his life for you?

It sounds like he is willing to put his career on hold, or even change careers. Can you handle that? You are obviously ambitious and want to take advantage of this big opportunity, even to the possible detriment of this relationship. He, on the other hand, has prioritized the relationship over his present work. Can you respect the fact that he might not be as ambitious as you are? If you can, great. But if you feel he is less valuable as a partner because he would sacrifice his own work to come with you, then perhaps the relationship is not as strong as he thinks it is. You don’t want him to come if doing so would make him less attractive to you.

On the other hand, maybe this is just a life adventure he wants, and it’s not all about you. So, it’s not as big a commitment as you think it is. Or, if it is, and you do not need him to put his work first, then it might be a great experience for the two of you. But you can help make it better rather than worse.

For example, the next idea might be doing due diligence about what he could do in Hong Kong. If your new employer is high on you and wants you to have a good adjustment to Hong Kong, it might be possible to find out about other kinds of jobs that could be available to your guy. The two of you could also do your own research. Perhaps there is an American firm that needs lawyers or a Hong Kong firm that needs someone who is expert on various aspects of American law. There might also be a very different kind of temporary job, for example, teaching in an American school, or spending time beginning to learn the language while he is there.

I think it’s important to think seriously about how important he is to you. You say you love him — does that mean he is potentially your life partner? You don’t have to make the “big decision” about that right now, but I think you both need to talk about why he would be doing this move, and what you are promising each other? For example, if he felt he had to go back, would you plan to join him eventually? And what would “eventually” mean?

Lots of questions, I know, but moves matter. What people say to each other about why they are moving or not moving together matters. It’s time to get serious about who you are together, or what this move means, and make decisions based on a lot of deeper sharing.

One additional thought: Don’t sell him short. If he thinks he can make this move, and you love him, then you should give him the chance to let him try. Long-distance relationships can work for a while if people want them to — I had a friend with a long and happy marriage who commuted between Thailand and Seattle. But that’s the exception. If this relationship is a big deal, it’s a better bet (but not the only one) to try to stay together.