I wrote a letter of apology to my wife the last time i got drunk. I did this at the suggestion of a substance-abuse counselor I’d gone to see in
Bellevue. He even provided me with a handout on how to structure an apology. Mine wound up totaling 546 words and consuming most of a page.

That was eight years ago. That letter — which I still have a copy of — stands as a landmark in my life for two reasons: my sobriety and my understanding of a good apology.

That first thing is intensely personal and specific to me and my life. But the second thing? Well, that’s something that I’ve come to believe many people could benefit from, given just how sorry many of today’s public apologies wind up sounding.

I’m actually kind of surprised at how bad people are at saying they are sorry, given how frequently we all do things we need to apologize for. Not only that, but an entire sector of the public-relations industry is expressly dedicated to assisting in the construction of public apologies.

And yet still we have people apologizing to those they may have offended, or spending most of what was supposed to be an apology talking about all the previous cultural heroics they’ve performed to demonstrate how very-much-not-racist they are.

Not to brag, but I’ve gotten pretty good at saying sorry. In fact, I have sufficient first-hand research that I’ve expanded on the handout I was given by my counselor.

I am only slightly reluctant to share this process I’ve developed. That’s not because I feel any sense of ownership over it. I just don’t want to provide a template for the unrepentant, a script that creeps can recite to absolve themselves of the outrage they’ve caused.

That’s a risk I’ll just have to take, though. I’ll simply ask that you only use this if you are actually sorry. Only the penitent may pass, so to speak.

Step No. 1: State what it is you said or did.

Spell out — specifically — what it is you are apologizing for. Do not talk about how people have interpreted what you did or how you feel misunderstood. What is it that you regret doing?

I’ve heard publicists specifically advise against repeating the facts of the indiscretion, believing this will only give more ammunition to those who are angry. I firmly disagree. Spelling out exactly what you did creates clarity, and keeps you focused on things you had control over (what you did) as opposed to things you can’t control (the reactions to what you did).

Step No. 2: Acknowledge the impact your actions had on the people you’re apologizing to.

The temptation will be to explain why you did what you did. Do not do this. You would be putting yourself first, and the apology is not actually for
you. It’s for the people you’re apologizing to.

Recognizing how your actions affect others shows that you have taken the time to understand the situation from another perspective. It also demonstrates accountability.

I’m actually kind of surprised at how bad people are at saying they are sorry given how frequently we all do things we need to apologize for.

Step No 3: Apologize.

Say you’re sorry. Say you wish you hadn’t done what you did. Say you regret what happened. Just don’t say, “If you were offended…” If those four words appear in that order anywhere in your apology, you should rip it up and start over.

You should not apologize for how someone else feels, and if you’re only sorry because people are mad, you’re honestly better off not apologizing.

Step No. 4 (optional): Brief — and I mean BRIEF —explanation.

If you did not intend for your actions to have the consequences they did, you may offer a quick clarification on what your underlying motivations were. Two things you need to keep in mind: What you wanted to happen does not excuse or eclipse what actually occurred. And, as I mentioned, it needs to be brief. This should be one of the shorter steps in your apology. If it’s the longest step, you need to edit. Drastically.

Step No. 5: State any offers of amends or changes you will make going forward.

What will you do either to address the harm that was caused or prevent this from occurring in the future? Be specific as opposed to grandiose.

Step No. 6 (optional): You may repeat your apology if you want.

That’s it. You’re done.

What happens next is entirely up to the person you’re apologizing to. They may forgive you, but they’re not obligated to. They may accept your plan for moving forward or they might have a different suggestion or they may cease interacting entirely. That’s up to them.

An apology should not be measured on whether it results in forgiveness. That may be a byproduct of an apology. It may be what you hope will occur, but ultimately, that is not something within your control.

This fact is very uncomfortable for many people. It certainly is for me. I was raised Catholic and have a strong tendency to feel guilty. Oftentimes, when I’m apologizing, what I really want is for someone to remove the weight of guilt from my shoulders. This lends itself to dramatic gestures and flowery phrasing. It can cause me to dwell on the nobility of my underlying intentions or to offer increasingly dramatic plans to make amends. I have at times been overly critical of myself in hopes of evoking pity.

This is understandable, but it’s unnecessary and often not helpful.

A good apology is not an eraser so much as a framework for moving forward both for you and the person you’re apologizing to. And when it’s done well —as I believe it was in the case of that letter I wrote to my wife eight years ago — an apology can wind up being a turning point in your life.